


Lasts a Lifetime

by FrostedGemstones22



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Different POV of the movie, F/M, Peter has always loved Lara Jean, Peter's POV, peter is a romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 13:59:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15820290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostedGemstones22/pseuds/FrostedGemstones22
Summary: Peter Kavinsky has loved Lara Jean since around the 6th grade. That, my friends, is a fact.Peter also never says quite the right things when it's the time to say them.ORA one-shot of the movie's events from Peter's POV.





	Lasts a Lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> Ya'll. My gosh. About ten days I ago I watched this movie on a whim, seeing cute GIFS of it on tumblr, and I am in love with this movie. With Peter. With Lara Jean. With Covinsky in general!  
> And, watching it, you cannot tell me that when Peter said 'you've never been second best' he meant that he has always loved Lara Jean and the whole time this was a crazy plot just to date her. I will take that to my grave and you can pry it from my cold dead hands. 
> 
> As a note, I have not read the books!
> 
> Title comes from the tagline of the movie poster 'Sixteen Candles'. 
> 
> This is currently un-beta'd so all mistakes are my own.

Peter Kavinsky receiving a love letter, in itself, was not out of the ordinary. 

Most of them he got during Valentine’s day, shoved into his locker or slid between his books when he wasn’t looking, with glitter that would follow him around for days or written in gel-pen that would smudge his fingers and stain the off-white pages of his text book. But hey, maybe cell osmosis could benefit from having something a little more exciting across the boring text, and the next person who got this textbook after him would wonder why the hell their diagram of the human body was accented with smudgy turquoise blue ink. 

He got a few on his birthday, usually dropped in his mailbox. He’d find them, between cards from his grandparents that always had a crisp twenty and cards from his uncle that were just really bad puns, and he always thought it was sort of nice.

Getting one in the middle of fall wasn’t even all that out of the ordinary. Love letters to Peter would pop up at all times of the year, his ‘charm’ and ‘dorky smile’ just simply irresistible; that’s what Chris once told him, but when she’d said it, she’d been gagging. 

Peter didn’t think himself a scientist of any means, but he was one enough to think he could very accurately classify the types of girls that sent him love letters into three categories.

  1. Young, fawning freshman girls who didn’t know that it was social suicide to give Gen any reason to hate them. Their letters were always sweet and innocent, a purity that made him just sort of sigh and hide these letters from Gen. There wasn’t any reason for Gen to go bully them in the lunchroom over a little infatuation, especially when these girls rarely went beyond writing him a letter.
  2. Joke or prank letters. From girls who were dared to do it, and would usually end their missiles with some variation of ‘so-and-so put me up to this, so can we just pretend it never happened’. Peter was always fine to comply with that. He didn’t show Gen these letters either.
  3. Girls who were bold enough to think that maybe if they wrote all the sexy things they thought about him, they could tempt him away from his current girlfriend. Peter did show Gen these, because ever since his dad left he had a thing about cheating or girls that tried to steal boys away. 



What was unusual was that the sender of the letter- one Lara Jean Covey- didn’t fit into any of these categories. Or, she fit into all of them.

The letter was in his mailbox, sent right through the USPS, the old fashioned way. It was marked ever so carefully, written in a artistic font and when Peter first got it, his only real thought was;  _ What the hell?  _

He and Lara Jean hadn’t spoken in years. They’d been friends as children, acquaintances as middle-schoolers, and finally drifted apart after 8th grade. Gen probably had a part in that, he was sure, but as it stood...he and Lara Jean had virtually nothing to to talk about. Not, on his part, for lack of trying to think of ways to entice her in a conversation.

So, suffice to say, Peter was enraptured by this whole affair from the very moment it began.

Lara Jean’s letter was unlike anything he could describe; it was innocent and sweet, written with soft words and poetry language. It was a way that Peter could just imagine Lara Jean writing it, sitting over her desk as her pen carefully scrawled the words. But it wasn’t from a freshman girl, it was from Lara Jean, and her feelings were a little bit more complete than the previous girls who had written him. It was genuine, really. It spoke of a love that burned in the bottom of her chest, a love that consumed her thoughts and made being near Peter nearly unbearable. It spoke of a love that Peter had never once fully felt and was beginning to think only existed in movies. But she didn’t speak of asking him to leave Gen (which, news flash, Gen had left him) or even to do anything. It was just a frank letter of her emotions.

By god, it was so intimate. So much so that Peter honestly was surprised when at the end of her letter, there wasn’t an addum along the lines of ‘Christ dared me, ignore this’. He scoured the letter, half hoping to never find anything like that but being totally unprepared when he didn’t.

He sat back, the letter on his desk, and he was suddenly thrown back to seventh grade, to his first kiss. To how he’d asked to play spin the bottle with the hope of a boy that liked a girl far too much and had been all too pleased when it worked in his favor.

And the crush that Peter Kavinsky had held for Lara Jean for years suddenly sprung back up to the surface.

xXxX

Gen breaking up with Peter was inevitable, and a part of Peter knew this. They weren’t matched up perfectly like a good couple should be. Instead, they were like two mismatched puzzle pieces that someone was trying very hard to make match up when they simply did not. 

Even if he knew that it was coming, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like a motherfucker.

They hadn’t been good together; Peter was always chiding Gen for her sometimes villainous behavior, Gen liked having Peter on her arm the way she liked having her Prada handbag. Gen was the type of girl that was always going to give herself the best things in life. From the young ages in middle school, up until she broke up with him, Peter simply was the best. He was handsome, popular jock that every girl wanted and therefore Gen deigned him to be hers. Peter dated her because well, he wasn’t blind, Gen was hot. Also, Lara Jean stopped talking to him after their kiss and Peter didn’t understand girls at all and didn’t push the issue further. Their ties to each other had always been a little contrived, built out of Gen’s timing right after his dad left and he was a little vulnerable. However, Peter knew deep down that when someone better came along (read; a college boy), Gen would go onto whatever she thought could take her farter ahead. 

And maybe Peter had been pushing himself away from the start. He felt like he was always encouraging Gen to be a little nicer, but especially to Lara Jean. He didn’t even notice he had been doing it, until it caused a fight one night. 

“I stick up for everyone,” Peter had argued, “I’m always telling you to think about what you say or just let them be!”

“Yes, but you stick up for Lara Jean  _ more _ ,” And somehow, the truth in this made Gen even nastier to Lara Jean. It made her bitter, it made her vile, it made her go out of her way to insult a girl who had used to be her best friend.

Gen never told Peter why she stopped talking to Lara Jean. The only thing she ever said on the subject is that Peter should know exactly why they weren’t friends anymore. Peter, however, did not. 

And, really, Peter was never as into Gen as she was into him. He’d been told by the boys in the locker room that this was exactly where he wanted Gen to be. That he should ‘always leave them bitches wanting more’. First off, Peter would never call a girl a ‘bitch’. His mother had raised a gentleman, goddammit. Second, he wanted to ask, didn’t that make him seem like an awful person? That Gen draped herself over him like a throw blanket, and Peter couldn’t even write a note to her like she asked? 

It was in moments like these that Peter wondered why he dated her at all. 

And then, she’d do something nice ,someting smply for Peter. She’d share a secret, she’d leave him a cookie in his locker, she’d play with his hair and massage his shoulders and he’d remember that Gen wasn’t an awful person all the time and there had been a time he wondered if he loved her.

Peter knew deep down he didn’t.

So yes, when Gen left him for a boy three years her senior, Peter was not surprised. She didn’t cheat on him and she had the kindness to do it in person, which was really all Peter could ask. Just because a part of him wasn’t secretly glad that he and Gen were no longer an item didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, didn’t mean he didn’t miss her, didn’t mean that a part of him wondered if he should try to get her back.

And then, the letter came from Lara Jean. 

xXxX

Directly after the reading of the letter, Peter felt like some god out there had shined down upon him. He thought about posting on twitter some variation of ‘when one door closes, another opens’ before he decided he hated those sorts of people and he wasn’t even sure this was a door opening. There hadn’t been instructions on Lara Jean’s letter like ‘call me’ or ‘let me know if you feel the same’. It had just...ended. 

In school the next day, Lara Jean went about like she’d never sent him the letter. He watched her all day and she didn’t spare Peter a second glance. 

What the hell?

Was this a game to her? A joke, something malicious? Was it payback at Gen through him? It wasn’t even that she was waiting for him to make the next move, it was that she was acting like she’d never sent it. He would wonder if it wasn't from Lara Jean at all, except (a) why would anyone pretend like it was Lara Jean instead of who it was really from and (b) Peter had memorized Lara Jean’s handwriting by sixth grade. So, it was from Lara Jean, who- when she looked through him- saw right through him. 

Gen would do that sometimes; look at Peter, but not really look  _ at  _ Peter. She wouldn’t be looking a Peter as a person, but rather would be scrutinizing him with a flaming spark in her eyes and it made him feel like less of a person. He hated that feeling. 

Peter had gone to school with heart-eyes for one Lara Jean, but by lunch was miserable and pissed off. 

But he deserves something, right? An answer of some sort, he decides. All the girls in his life are being super weird right now, as it is. Gen is looking at him across the lunch room the way she used to, a very ‘come hither’ sort of stare. They just broke up; does she regret it? Does she want him back? 

Would he go back to her? 

Frankly, it all depends on Covey. He needs something from her, he’s dying here. While he had previously thought he’d just wait to see what she would do, now he’s out looking for her. 

So, when he stalked her at the track fields, letter in his hand, all his plans went out the window. 

And, like an asshole, he’d told her that they were ‘never going to happen’.

What he’d meant to say was ‘Lara Jean, god, I think I love you too’. 

xXxX

Peter’s first instinct when Lara Jean takes hold of his shoulders, spins him onto the dirt and kisses him is to stop her.

Not because he wants to do that, might he add.

No, it’s because she’s just fainted and he’s worried that the heat might have gotten to her or something, because wasn’t she just looking at him like he was the last person she wanted to kiss?

And, as much as this weirdly feels like a sitcom or something in which all of Peter’s dreams have suddenly come true, he is first and foremost concerned.

Until her tongue traces the edges of his and Peter’s brain just about short circuits.

Scratch that, he does not have a brain to think with after that.

For just a moment, everything is forgotten. Peter forgets that Lara Jean hadn’t looked his way all day, he forgets that they’re laying on the track field in the middle of school, he forgets Gen and he forgets himself. His fingers are seconds away from impossibly threading through her hair, tying himself to her. He is moments away from pulling her whole body on top of his, from drowning in her soft lips, from doing something he’d regret later.

Then, a teacher interrupts them. 

Lara Jean pulls back, and then  _ thanks him _ . Like he just helped her carry groceries in or explained how to do an algebra problem or something totally casual. She just thanked him for letting her kiss him senseless. 

What he ended up saying was something not very articulate. What he meant to say was ‘sure, anytime’, but in hindsight that would have been pretty lame, so small miracles?

He flops back down, covering his face with his hands.

He is already, just one kiss in, so incredibly fucked.

xXxX

He’d been telling the truth on the field, the kiss in 7th grade had been hot. He remembers it had made his heart flutter in a way he didn’t know possible and suddenly, after, he hadn’t been able to breathe properly around Lara Jean. And, it did make him feel hot, in the warm sense. He would get all sweaty around her, just thinking about her.

They’d been young, then, and hadn’t kissed anyone so it was as good as a 7th grade kiss could be.

This kiss, however? This was the sort of kiss that pop stars wrote songs about. This was the sort of kiss that soulmates gave each other in movies. This was the sort of kiss that was going to ruin Peter for the rest of his life.

xXxX

Really, the only answer is to hunt Lara Jean down and make sure- by any means at all- that Peter can get to kiss her again like that.

Gen who? Peter cannot imagine ever going back to Gen after that, again. Despite what he told Lara Jean, he defiantly wants ‘this’ (ie; them) to happen. 

She’s not at her house. Her pixie-like sister opens the door and her grin is so mischievous it makes Peter’s skin crawl. He feels like she knows more than she’ll ever tell him.She gives him a list of where Lara Jean probably is, and promptly shoos him from the house. 

She’s at the first place he looks and somehow that feels like fate. 

“Hey Covey,” He greets. He holds back everything else he wants to say;  _ Was the kiss that good for you too? Is it true? Go out with me. Lara Jean, don’t you know- _

But, she’s not looking at him like that. She actually looks like she the bar stool she’s on to swallow her up entirely. She’s doing literally everything in her power to not look at Peter. 

He examines her as he sips his milkshake. 

Lara Jean has always been an enigma. He’s never properly found the words to describe her, not to his mother or to his brother or to his friends. 

Gen and Chris, for as much as they hate each other, are more alike than they care to admit. Both of them have always tried too hard to be someone they’re not. Chris; trying to shake her childhood pigtails and pastel shirts and Gen; perpetually attempting to be older, more refined, smarter and well above her age. 

Lara Jean has never tried to be anyone but herself.

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to describe her, because Lara Jean is nothing more than  _ Lara Jean _ , used as an adjective. 

She’s reserved and careful, she’s young and put-together, she’s quiet and well-spoken. Lara Jean is everything that Gen wants to be, but always falls away from. Lara Jean is nothing Chris ever wants to be which is maybe why they get along so well. 

Lara Jean, above all, is someone who Peter knows he needs to approach carefully.

And, right now, Peter confessing his own feelings for her feels like the exact wrong move.

He’s not giving up, but, he reigns in his own selfish feelings.

Maybe, if he makes it seem like he does not like her, she’ll look a little more at ease. As far as he knows, Lara Jean has never dated. This is all new to her.

But even as he ‘rejects’ her, he can’t help but think that all he wants to be doing is the exact opposite.

xXxX 

The plan in itself was convoluted. 

Peter was, no lie, a little disappointed to find out that five other guys got letters. For a second, it cheapens it, until he hears the list.

And, he sits there thinking,  _ I still have a chance.  _

“It’s not your problem, Peter,” Lara Jean tells him. He wants it to be his problem, he wants to fix her problems, he wants her to have no problems. 

This is what prompts him to offer the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. It’s straight out of a teenage romance written by sixteen-year-olds. It’s out of a TV show in which the audience knows it will never work. It’s the first thing he can think of to keep Lara Jean close and to convince her that, out of the five, he should date her.

It’s the only way he can think to get a chance to kiss her again. 

He plays it off that Gen would hate it (she will) so that it doesn’t seem like he’s doing this because he likes her like that (he does, obviously). 

Lara Jean is not immediately on board with it, which he probably could have seen coming. 

Peter wants this to work. He wants her to agree. He’s heard that if you believe something hard enough, it will happen. 

He might be jinxing it, but he can’t help but tell Sanderson they’ve been hanging out.

A dude like that- who probably had Lara Jean for years and never realized it, dated her sister instead when the obvious choice for anyone is Lara Jean- deserves it. 

xXxX

“Let’s do this.” 

Three words, that’s all it takes. Three words that Peter Kavinsky swears they can write on his grave, because those three words stopped his heart. 

Kissing Lara Jean this time felt like home. 

xXxX

Lara Jean is a planner, she is a thinker. It really shouldn’t surprise him when she sets down a contract for him like a lawyer or something. It’s adorable, really, so Peter can’t help but go along with it. He puts the ski trip in, despite her protests, because the end game of this is not to get Gen back as Lara Jean thinks. It’s to continue dating her, frankly, forever and obviously he wants Lara Jean on the ski trip. She’s so firm about some of the other stipulations he’s surprised she agrees. 

Yeah, he’s miffed he can’t kiss her (since that was part of the whole plan anyway) but he’ll take what he can get.

And, he has to say, the whole ‘hand in the back pocket’ thing is a helluva lot sexier than he thought. 

He likes it.

It’s intimate without being crass. It’s sexy without being over the top. It’s perfectly fine for school, but when Peter slips his palms into her back pocket (and, since Lara Jean is a girl who dresses for utility and comfort, the pockets are actual sized and not fake or an inch deep), he pretty much has to resit the urge to grab her ass and make a complete fool of himself. He can feel the curve of her bottom and wonders how Lara Jean thinks this is better for them than kissing? 

Peter can restrain himself with kisses. He could have dotted chaste, closed-lip kisses on her lips, could have kissed her cheek and forehead or even her hand if she asked. He could have made sure they both were okay with it, could have checked himself. 

Whenever Peter has his hands in her back pocket, he finds he has to readjust himself discreetly or sit quickly.

He’s not trying to think dirty thoughts about Lara Jean. She’s the sort of girl that deserves all types of thoughts, not just the sexual ones. However, it’s a little hard to do when he can feel how she walks and a part of him imagines how her ass would feel with no jeans on and it’s always sort of downhill from there. 

Lara Jean can’t possibly know the effect she has on him. He won’t let her know, because this is all fake to her, and that would for sure be crossing a line. 

Until, it’s not, he keeps telling himself.

Until one day Lara Jean wakes up and realizes she could have all of this. 

xXxX

Peter does everything to show that he would treat Lara Jean how she deserves to be treated forever.

He takes her to parties because he wants everyone to see how lucky he is to be with her.

He’ll drink Kombucha because he’s the designated driver and this isn’t a stupid teenage movie where he think he can get away with drinking and driving and endangering her life, because why the fuck would he want to do that? 

And for a lot of it, it seems like Lara Jean is having fun, having a good time with him.

He forgets Gen even really exists until she corners him in the bathroom. Gen looks good, like she always does, but Peter no longer wants to jump her bones. In fact, there’s absolutely no feeling toward Gen anymore. It’s just not there.

He can’t imagine ever wanting anything else. 

He lets himself reminisce, for a second- when Gen takes the scrunchie- on who they used to be. How they used to be. He remembers how genuine they’d both been when they were younger, at the start of the relationship. He thinks that if Gen was like that again, he’d be more inclined to even consider wanting her.

Gen never looks back, always forward. 

Peter’s been doing that too. 

What he tells Gen is absolutely nothing, because he knows it would ruin the illusion Lara Jean thinks they have to keep up.

What he wants to tell Gen is that never, in a million years, will he want to date her again.

xXxX

Peter forgets far too often this is all fake. 

When it’s just him and Lara Jean, hanging out or in the lunch room when no one is really watching, it’s really easy to think that. She doesn’t drop their facade just because no one is looking that instant and he knows she’s not repulsed to spend time with him. So, that’s a start.

In fact, she’s been leaning on him as a friend of late, and that’s how the best romances start, right? 

Right.

At the diner, he’s not lying when he says he’s mad at Gen. A part of him is pissed that Gen started showing interest in him for so long, back when they both started feeling it slip. To imagine he could have had Lara Jean (or, could have been trying harder to have her) infuriates him that he’s lost so much time with this amazing girl. 

He’s pissed he let it go on himself.

He’s a little angry because a part of him knows he couldn’t let her go because he’s a big afraid to be alone and to think of breaking of up with her and have nothing after wasn’t something he was ever strong enough to do.

What he tells Lara Jean is a total lie. They don’t talk anymore. Gen has been blowing up his phone, truth, but the lie is that they haven’t actually talked to each other in weeks. He hasn’t even gone out of his way to ignore her. 

If Lara Jean thinks that there’s a chance that Gen might not want him, she might ‘break up’ with him. He can’t have that. 

He hasn’t felt alone or scared since he started ‘dating’ Lara Jean. He hasn’t felt the insecurities rise up about abandonment since he started dating her. He knows she is good for him, and he knows he’s good for her.

Can’t she see that? 

She’s stubborn, he’ll give her that. Too stubborn.

xXxX

“Cause we’re just pretending.” 

If three words were what it took to send him to heaven, four words was what it took to revive him and then murder him savagely, leaving him broken and alone. 

When his father left, it had destroyed him. He hadn’t ever thought he’d feel that sort of heartbreak again.

Four words proved him wrong.

xXxX

Peter was stubborn too. 

Even though, after that night he went home and honest-to-god almost cried, he was just even more determined to prove to Lara Jean that it didn’t have to just be pretend. 

Or, at the very least, he’d keep dating her until she decided it was time to be done.

Peter was never going to end it, not unless she told him they had to. And, even then, Peter would come up with another convoluted idea to keep them together.

When he really thought about the situation sometimes, he realized how delicate it all was. How stupid it really sounded. 

_ Hey Lara Jean, you know what would really piss Gen off? If we went to the same college. _

_ LJ! I got it now, we should make Gen angry by moving in together. _

_ Lara Jean, just hear me out, I got it. The ultimate end game that would drive Gen nuts. Marry me. _

Yeah, so...maybe not. Those were a little too far past ‘just pretend’. She’d know if he asked her any of those, but that’s not to say that in his daydreams he didn’t imagine what it would be like to get to that point.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, once again Peter was really and truly gone. 

He hadn’t ever considered marriage before, he was in highschool for chrissakes. But Lara Jean was making him consider everything; marriage, kids, a while picket fence- the whole goddamn thing. In the far future, of course, but a part of Peter really did wonder now  _ if  _ they he could get her to that point but  _ how _ .

Well, dating her for real was obviously number one.

He didn’t let her words deter him. In fact, Peter became the best boyfriend a girl could have.

Kill ‘em with kindness, his mother had said. 

He’d kill Lara Jean with his love.

xXxX

He could also talk about the heavy shit with Lara Jean.

Things he’d never even told Gen.

Gen had been around right after his dad left, but she hadn’t been interested in heaving his long sob stories about it. She’d just inferred most of his feelings and Peter had been happy to leave it at that. He hadn’t wanted to pour his heart out onto Gen.

He did with Lara Jean, though. 

He wanted her to be able to do that with him too.

xXxX

“I don’t know, Peter, it’s like you don’t have time for me anymore. All you do is hang out with her.” 

What Peter wanted to say was; ‘yeah, Gen. She’s my girlfriend. I’m over the moon, stupid in love with her. I don't want to hang out with you’.

What he ended up replying was, ‘Am I supposed to wait while you’re off with some college guy?’ He wanted to remind her that she was the one who ended it. If she’d never broken up with him and he’d never gotten that letter, he probably still would be dating her. He might never know this feeling of actual love, actual affection. It would have sucked.

Peter Kavinsky actually considers sending Gen’s new college boyfriend a thank you note or a fruit basket or something. 

“Gen, you can’t keep doing this to me,” He tells her. You can’t come around after me, because i”m not yours anymore. You have to let me go. You have to realize that you can’t have everything you want, always. You have to realize that your actions have consequences and the consequence of this is that I’ve found someone better.

Because he’s a nice guy, he hopes that Gen will be able to do the same.

When Gen insinuates that by the ski trip she’ll be single again and they can do things, it tastes like sand in Peter’s mouth. 

He is struck by how much he absolutely does not want to do those things with her anymore.

xXxX

Lara Jean tries to break up with him right before the ski trip.

Peter will be having none of it.

Not just because he’s terrified of what Gen will try to do to him if he is alone, but also because he wants Lara Jean there. He thinks that maybe the holidays are the perfect time to show her that none of this has ever been fake for him.

He is fighting so hard for Lara Jean. Can’t she see that? Doesn’t she realize? Isn’t this what every girl wants from an actual boyfriend?

Girls have always confused Peter.

Lara Jean, despite being perfect and fabulous, is still no different.

xXxX

Lara Jean pointedly decides not to sit with Peter on the bus.

He’ll give her a lot, but he’s not gunna pretend like that does not majorly piss him off. 

He knows they’re not really dating but this is their first real fight. None of his hurt is made up here.

But, he has to consider, has all of this really been fake? How can Lara Jean honestly tell him that laughing with him, watching stupid movies and listening to his off-key singing on their rides of school has all been part of the plan.

If, in the middle of faking it it no longer becomes fake, it’s not fake anymore is it?   
That made no sense, but Peter is honestly getting really frustrated by the whole fake dating thing because it was decidedly not fake to Peter quite a long time ago, despite even his best efforts.

Lara Jean does not ski.

Peter goes alone and nearly runs into a tree he’s so distracted.

Gen is unbelievable and he might have told her to fall into a snowbank when she bothers him one too many times and he’ll regret that later. 

He never lauded his title of the ‘King of the Cafetiera’ before, never used to to his benefit but tonight Peter uses it for the first time. He makes it abundantly clear that no one is allowed in the hot tub but him. He plays it off that he pulled a muscle and needs some peace and quiet, which is true. His shoulder has been killing him since his minor collision and if he doesn’t do something, he’ll be rubbish when he has to pick lacrosse back up again. His team is depending on him. The soak in the hot tub will be good.

A part of him hopes Lara Jean will miraculously show up.

A part of him knows not to get his hopes up.

xXxX

There are a lot of ways to say ‘I love you’ without actually saying it. 

Peter admitting he went all the way across town to get those yogurt drinks she likes is one of them. 

It’s ballsy, he pretty much outright spells it out to Lara Jean (god, for someone so smart…) because Peter is done with fake dating. If this is what breaks them up, fine, but Peter cannot live another second being with Lara Jean as only her fake boyfriend. 

It’s all or nothing to him at this point. 

He expects Lara Jean to let him down gently, as he tried to do with her months before. She expects pity, maybe, because he was bound to fail from the start with this crazy scheme. What he does not expect to happen in a million years is for Lara Jean to get into the hot tub with him in just her pajamas. 

Motherfucker.

“I didn’t bring a bathing suit,” Lara Jean says, as though this is perfectly reasonable. She wouldn’t think anything different, would she? Lara Jean, so innocent, so pure and so unbelievable sexy to him in that moment. He can see everything through the sheerness of the nightgown and Peter has to stop himself from doing something that Lara Jean would not like him to do; pretty much every dirty thing that usually goes on during this trip. 

She’s right up next to him.

“Hi.” 

Hi, she says, like they’re meeting to go see a movie or she just answered the phone or she’s seen him across the lunch room. Hi, like she isn’t inches away from him wearing practically nothing and isn’t taking a huge leap of faith here.

One word and Peter has never fallen so in love.

“There’s no one like you, Covey.” 

There hever has been and never will be and Peter will never want anyone else.

He kisses her like he should have kissed her that first day, when she grabbed him. He pulls her close and cannot breathe once again because Lara Jean is not only allow it, but encouraging his fingers digging into her thigh. She has to be able to feel him, to know exactly what she does to him, what she’s been doing to him since the start.

To his great surprise, Lara Jean does not pull away.

Lara Jean continues to surprise him in the best possible ways.

xXxX

After, when he finally tears his gaze away from Lara Jean and lets her go to bed, he goes straight to Gen’s room.

“Oh, there you are! I thought you were mad at me,” Gen says, pouting and standing. She curls a finger around his neck.

“Stop it, Gen,” Peter says, pushing her back gently, “It’s over.” 

“We’ve been over,” Gen says, confusion drawing on her face, “But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun after.” 

“No, it’s over forever. Over everything. Nothing more.” 

Gen looks at Peter hard before a choked sound exists her lips, something between a laugh and a sob.

“My god, you’re in love with Lara Jean. You never looked like that when you were with me.” 

It’s written all over his face, he knows it. 

“Yeah, I didn’t.” he agrees, “She’s everything to me, Genevieve.”

It sounds sappy as hell, but Peter has never been happier.

He leaves without another word.

xXxX

Dating Lara Jean, for real, is glorious. For the two to three hours it lasts, that is. 

In hindsight, he admits, that going into Gen’s room at that hour last night was utterly stupid. However, he couldn’t have waited until morning to tell Gen it all, because last night Peter was drunk on love. 

And, he thinks, it might not have mattered anyway because Gen would have spun the tale some other way to hurt Lara Jean. He knew that Gen could be cruel, but he never took her for a sore loser. He thinks that with how hard Gen has tried to be an adult, she would have realized that insulting Lara Jean was the number one way to make Peter hate her forever. This ploy of hers wasn’t going to get Peter back.

Or, he considers, Gen is burning all her bridges. She does not care who she takes down in the way. She doesn't care if she burns herself up. It’s like that old tale of a frog who gives a scorpion a ride across the river. It’s stupid, but he heard it once as a kid.

It goes like this; a scorpion acrosses a frog and asks for safe passage across a dangerous river. The frog is hesitant, knowing that scorpion are poisonous and just sort of assholes all around. The scorpion assures the frog that it just wants to make it to the other side, because if it tried to get across itself or fell into the water, it would surely perish. So, the frog- seeing the logic here- agrees. However, halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog, sinking into the water asks ‘why’ because both of them are going to die and the scorpion replies ‘because it is in my nature’. 

Gen is the scorpion. She cannot help but destroy. 

In a lot of ways, Peter feels sorry for her. He has pity on her, he tells her with disgust, because she will have nothing when all this is over. Peter wanted to go on as friends, even if she broke up with him in the first place, but Gen has made sure that Peter will never talk to her again. 

“I destroy anything good,” Gen tells Peter as he leaves, a sort of broken realization. He’s not sure if she’s talking about him, or Lara Jean, or Chris. Maybe all three.

Peter does not care for her sob story. All he cares about is fixing this with Lara Jean. 

xXxX

Peter does not blame Lara Jean for not allowing him to tell her his side, the way Gen phrased it sounded shady as fuck. It made him sound like the asshole that everyone secretly thought he was anyway. 

He waited for her outside her house, puffing warm breath into his hands to keep his fingers warm until she answered the door.

She came to the door, which was more than he thought. Lara Jean had told him that she’d jumped out a window to avoid talking to Josh after the letters were released, so he wasn’t putting that past her.

“Just so you know, nothing happened between me and Gen last night,” Peter began, before apologizing, before begging. 

What he wanted to ask was;  _ How do you even think I could ever cheat on someone like you? _

“You went to her room in the first place.” Lara Jean’s voice was wobbly, but her conviction was as cold as ice.

“Look, Gena and I dated for a long time. Those feelings aren’t just going away to go away, we have history-,” He started, which- when he replayed this fight over, he realized was exactly where he fucked up a second time. What he wanted to add, what he was trying to convey was,  _ When I realized I was in love with you, Gen deserved to know. She still likes me, even if she left me, so she needed to hear it from me. We should give each other that much. _

What he also wanted to add was,  _ When I heard about what she said to you...Gen is dead to me, Covey. D-E-A-D.  _

“I’m tired of being second best or fake best!” Lara Jean said and for a second, Peter just went silent. 

Jesus fucking christ, how did she still  _ not know?  _

“Last night was-,” He began again, intending to follow it up with saying that last night was the moment he’s dreamed of for what seems like forever.

“Last night was a mistake.” Lara Jean, always honest, ladies and gents. Lara Jean, the only girl who could take his heart and pulverize it in her hands and he’d still want her, still always want her, “Physical stuff might not be a big deal to you, but it is to me, it is.” 

“Who says it’s not a big deal to me?” Peter demands, a little hurt. Does Lara Jean think she’s just a notch on his bedpost? On a bedpost that doesn’t even exist, because he’s done things with Gen, but he rightly thought himself in love with her then. He can’t imagine doing things with someone he doesn’t love. It wouldn’t seem right.

“Can we just go inside and talk?” He asks, feeling small and defeated and trying to mend the way his heart feels mangled. He wants to go back. He wants to tell Gen that if she does anything to Lara Jean at all, says a single word to her, he will end her. He’d do anything for Lara Jean.

Scratch that; he doesn’t even want to have gone into Gen’s room. He wants to go back and go crash with one of his friends.

Or, best case, he wants to have fallen asleep next to Lara Jean, inhaling her natural sweet aroma and holding her close. 

And then, Josh fucking Sanderson has to show up.

Peter didn’t hate anyone before this whole thing, but now he’s sure he hates Gen and Josh isn’t far behind on that list. 

Josh says that Lara Jean is ‘too good for you’. Lara Jean is, but that’s not the issue. He will spend his whole life trying to explain to Lara Jean how she is so much better than anyone else, how he is lucky to have her smile his way. Despite agreeing, Josh can walk of a pier, he wants to say. 

He sees he’s outnumbered. He sees Margot. He sees everything unfold and sees the tears in Lara Jeans’ eyes and knows that he cannot continue this, not now. 

As he leaves, he decides to say one last thing.

“God. You were never second best.” 

What he wants to say is;  _ Lara Jean, I have been hopelessly in love with you since before we kissed in 7th grade. Gen was the second best. Gen was a consolation prize when you stopped talking to me. If you had ever said anything...I would have broken up with her without a question. _

_ Lara Jean, you’re second to Josh, who likes Margot. You’ll always be first to me. _

_ Please, please, don’t do this. Don’t break my heart. _

Lara Jean does not even look at him and Peter goes home, curls up under his covers, and does not come out all night or the next day.

xXxX

Peter really did not hear anything about that damn video until school started again. He has a hunch it was Gen, and he thinks that she’s gone out her way to make sure that Peter does not know it’s out. 

If he had known she had that video of the two of them, he would have never cut her away and-

Wait a second. That was the exact type of manipulative bullshit that would use and his response would have been playing right into it. Even if he had known, he would have still cut her from his life. He may have warned Lara Jean, let her know what was coming. He would have told everyone that Gen was a liar and she was bitter and that it was a desperate last attempt to do damage when she still had a glimmer of agency. He would have made things right.

Fucking hell, no wonder Lara Jean didn’t text him the entire break. She must have thought that this video proved it was all a joke to him, that he must have been in on it. 

During break, Peter had been inconsolable. After four days of moping, his brother stole his phone and texted his friends and SOS. They’d taken him to movies and a football game, but nothing helped. They stayed in with him on New Years because Peter didn’t want to leave the house.

None of them mentioned Lara Jean’s name. He sort of wished they did.

Knowing that he would have to go back to school and see her again filled him with unease but also hope. There was a tiny part of him that feared that her and Josh would have had a heart-to-heart and maybe she was with him now. He didn’t think he could stand seeing them together. 

He didn’t know how he would talk to her, but Peter knew that he had to try. He’d apologize every day for the rest of his life until she took him back. 

And then, when she’d passed him in the halls, near crying…

“You going to do something about this?” Chris asked, shoving the photo into his chest. He looked down and while he wasn’t even sure what this was- a bad picture or a video, video it had to be because why else would everyone be looking at Lara Jean like that- he knew what it looked like they’d done and he was disgusted. He was furious. He was going on a warpath against anyone who dared to even look at this again.

“Not that it’s anyone’s business, but nothing happened in the hot tub. If I hear anyone talking about Lara Jean or that video, I’m gunna kick your asses. You understand?” 

He wasn’t doing it to get into Lara Jean’s good graces, but Chris was nodding at him, which was a good sign. He was doing it because he wasn’t going to let a single person sully Lara Jean’s reputation. He was doing it because, even if Lara Jean never took him back, he’d spend all his days protecting her. 

He offered to even go against Gen. He wasn’t 100% sure, but it didn’t take a lot of guesses who would want to destroy Lara Jean, who would want to do such a thing. 

And Covey said she had to do it herself. 

Peter wanted to protect her, but he also knew that she was so much stronger than she ever thought. Maybe this confrontation had been building for years. Maybe this was the moment she needed to do.

Maybe she’d be just fine without him. 

If so, good, Peter thought. Let her not be broken too.

xXxX

He didn’t see her the rest of the day, not until later. He went to classes. He gave a couple of kids a death glare as the even tried to bring up the video. He gave a stupid junior a bloody nose after school when he asked if Lara Jean was going to ‘put out’ to everyone now. He nursed his knuckles and told the kid that he wasn’t lying when he said he’d kick asses, so he should pass it along.

Peter wasn’t a violent person, but he’d make an exception from here on out.

He went to lacrosse practice, even though he sort of just wanted to go home and curl up in his bed again.

Fuck, was this ever going to get any easier? 

After practice, he made some excuse about having to help his mom make dinner tonight to get out of hanging out with his friends. He offered to help clean up the field to linger at school longer, because he didn’t want to face anyone at home. 

When he saw someone walking across the field out of his peripheral vision, Peter began practicing in his head all the ways to get out of talking to them or any plans they be asking him to join. 

But it was Lara Jean and Peter, for a second, forgot how to breathe. 

“Hey.” Great going, he thought, ‘hey’. How basic, how simple. 

“I have something to tell you.” 

“Okay?” 

“I drove here.” 

Peter blinked. Out of all the million of things he thought she might say, that was not one of them. He understood it was a big deal to her, but if that’s what she came here to say, he was going to be disappointed, no lie. Also, he’d be a little miffed if she was just going to act like friends around him, because he wasn’t entirely sure he could survive like that. 

Then, he saw something in her hands.

And he was tempted to snatch it away. He had the reflexes, he had the power. He could take it and hold it above her head and read it, because it had his name on it.

But...Something about that didn’t feel right. It would feel like he was taking without permission and Peter was not about that. He had only read the first letter because he hadn’t known she didn’t want anyone to read it. If she’d told him, he would have handed it back, no questions asked. 

“If you want me to read that, you need to give that to me,” He said, tilting his head. She hesitated. She asked him to turn and, curious and a little too hopeful, Peter turned. 

“Dear Peter, I need you to know that…” She trailed off, and Peter sat, waiting. She turned him.

“I need you to know that I like you, Peter Kavinsky. And, not in a fake way. So I guess....that’s what I came here to say-,” 

Peter’s heart was fucking beating out of his chest. He was on cloud nine. He thought he was dreaming. And after that, Lara Jean was just going to turn around and leave? No way.

Peter was never letting her go, not again.

“Don’t I get to say something?” He asked. 

What he wanted to say was that he was in love with her. 

There was a beat, as he was explaining why he went to Gen’s room, when he realized that now- of all times- not only could he say what he wanted to say, but he should.

So he told her.

He gave her his heart, wrapped up in a blue bow and tied to notes passed between classes, with yogurt drinks and promises that he’d always be there.

Peter Kavinsky gave her everything he could and more.

“I’m in love with you, Lara Jean. Only you.” 

And then, she smiled. She smiled and Peter couldn’t help but see a future between them, a future with everything. He didn’t expect her to say it back, he didn’t need that. He knew that this was enough.

“You gunna break my heart, Covey?” he asked, voice low and careful, slightly teasing. But, when she looked at him, he knew that she knew that all of this was real.

He was way more into her, he mused. What would all his friends say about that? Probably that it was out of the ordinary, for a guy to be fawning over a girl the way Peter loved Lara Jean. 

Frankly, Peter didn’t care. Things out of the ordinary were the best twists to ever happen. Peter, later- maybe on their wedding day- would only ever be able to describe this as a damn romance novel.

And Peter was never gladder to be a part of that.  

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all loved it!  
> I really, when writing this, realized I had begun writing Peter as how a girl usually acts with a great love and I really like it, because it adds another subversion to all the great ones that already exist in the movie :)  
> When writing it and editing it, I realized I unintentionally threw in three references to other OTPs that I have. Kudos to anyone who can guess them ;)  
> Please drop a review if you enjoyed it!


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